Candy Corn Blues

Considering that Halloween was invented in England, it's a little disappointing that all of the Halloween candy available throughout the city of London sucks. Basically the same reiteration of chocolate with different flavored stuff inside.
Not being a chocolate fan, I feel like I'm up the creek without a paddle. However, Fortune appeared to favor me when my mom sent me 3 pounds of candy corn in the mail.

I don't particularly think candy corn is the be-all-end-all of the confectionary world, but there's inherently something about the Halloween season that makes me crave and consume it like it's my lifesblood. I swear on all that's holy, for the last two weeks, I haven't been able to sit at my desk without eating enough candy corn to make me candy sick.

Now, I realize at this point in the post, I've been doing a lot of complaining. Blah blah I don't like chocolate, yakity yak English candy is the pits, candy corn could be tastier 'n' stuff…but, this next point is completely valid and warranted: apparently between the last time I went on a candy corn binge and my current sugar rush, Brach's has begun making chocolate candy corn.

Chocolate candy corn.

I'm equal opportunity when it comes to flavors…all of my favorites are more complicated takes on the original: Cherry Coke, peanut butter/golden Oreos, strawberry margaritas…but chocolate candy corn? There are some things that you just shouldn't screw with on the grounds of tradition. Plus, chocolate candy corn just sort of tastes like chocolate butt crack.

Anyhow, I've made the habit of eating around all of the brown ones…which has left me with a heaping pile of them, considering Brach's assumes everyone in the world loves chocolate, and therefore fills 65% of the total bag with these culinary abominations.

I'd feel too bad throwing out at least a pound of perfectly good candy…such things should be illegal. But I don't want to eat it…no self respecting American trick-or-treater would…
…that's when it dawned on me: not everyone sharing my apartment is American. If I left all of the chocolate candy corn (in addition to some peanut butter Mary Janes…you know the ones: the iconic, little chewy candies wrapped in orange and black wax paper that no one likes) in a bowl in the kitchen with a note saying "Happy Halloween! Help yourself to free candy!" people would view the gesture as a random act of neighborly kindness…not a self-centered attempt to pawn off nasty reject candy on unsuspecting victims after eating all of the good stuff on my own.

There's no way this plan could fail. Plus, people will revere me for giving away free candy.

…right?